I remember when I was younger,  I  vowed to myself, NEVER to get married, or have children.  Well, just like that, I was married, adopting 3 children,  and then came a fourth. Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it? But this situation is anything but funny.

Fifteen when it started, groomed, manipulated,  inheriting things I wasn’t capable of, forced to grow up so fast. Nineteen and adopting another person’s 3 children, having to get a “real job” and become a provider. Was overwhelmed a lot of the time, but I made it work. Had to. It’s the life I  chose….or was it?

And here we are now.  A true adult, but only on the outside. The inside is a whole different thing. On the inside is still an insecure, immature lost boy, the boy that I often remember. So many plans, so many dreams. Why did this happen to me? Just want to be a better “father,” son, and friendly. I’m sorry, but I really tried.

What am I getting at? I was ill-prepared. Had to learn as I grew, so I’d consider myself a less than ideal father. Do I care for them? Love them? Absolutely. But given the circumstances, they needed a REAL father, a real father figure. I guess I did the best I could and worked with what I had. Can’t go back, so we move on.

I’m damaged, but I’m working on it. First, you have to recognize the issue, then come up with a plan. I was young and ignorant. Most would say a victim… which, by the way, I’m not the only victim here. But I recognize that I just need to do better. Be better. What happened happened. Taking it one day at a time.