I often find myself slipping into an awkward state of mind. The anxiety and depression disorder do have a part in it, and so does the other trauma I’ve suffered.  But I do take some of the blame. The only person in the mirror is you. Point the finger, I dare you. There’s multiple fingers pointing back at you.

Having to be an adult so fast as a teenager has taken toll. Once ties were unbound, I was lost, stuck in purgatory , regressing back to that same teenager lost, scared,  alone. That’s the state of mind. So awkward and out of place.  On the outside,  a middle-aged man, on the inside, an uncertain young 15 year old.

It affects me. I can feel it. Over the years, I have gotten good at hiding it. Like a clown on the outside, but quite the opposite on the inside. Why is this so hard sometimes? I’ve made it this far, but it feels as though the countdown clock has begun. My time is running out.

It’s also aggravating because I know what to do….Sure, I am damaged and have issues,  but I know what steps to take to fix this. Let’s take the 5 stages of recovery: pre-contemplation,  contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. I have the keys, but i always find myself locked out, pacing and wandering on the outside.

We all have problems,  and in my case, it feels more like controlled chaos. But I can’t give up… that’s not an option. Sure, at times, it’s debilitating,  but I’m grateful to have a loving family and support system. In the end, though, it’s ultimately up to the individual.  To me. Why is this so hard?

Falling is easy, getting back up?