It’s tiring….really is. And I hate to sound like I’m complaining or looking for sympathy…I’m not, but somethings gotta give. I know what I have to do…all of it’s long overdue. I act like I’m okay,  but I’m not. Not saying there is no good in there, but over the years I have gotten very good at hiding, pretending, and ignoring.  Like I  said, somethings gotta give.

I’m tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I have to put on a front. At least I  think so. And what makes it worse is that at my older age, I am still trying to figure it out. I don’t know who I am. I’m still stuck in the 15 year old that was groomed, manipulated, abused. Then going through death, and the “awakening”. Now here I am, 49 and still lost and trying to find my way.

It’s not all bad, I realize this. It never is. There is always someone worse off. And besides,  if you know the problem, you try and find the solution. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Sure, it’s hard sometimes,  but just got to do it. How does anything change otherwise? Also have to be true and honest to yourself. Need to get better at that.

I want it to be known that I’m not complaining,  feeling sorry for myself,  or looking for sympathy. I’m grown.I know what needs to be done. I’m sure there are more out there like me. But I was listening to my music, and these lyrics kinda jumped out at me:

“Done pleading ignorance, that whole defense
Spinning infinity, but…The wheel is spinning me, it’s never-ending, never-ending…Same old story”

Have to stop spinning. No more going around in circles.