So here we are…knocking on the big 5 0. I made it this far. And I am grateful for it. I believe that I’m very fortunate to be where I am right now, given another day to get to where I want to go… where I want to be. Getting there. Putting my foot down and doing the work. No more. Need to keep PROgressing, not constantly REgressing.

Eroding are the days of staying in the same mundane self sabotaging life. I am good, deserve good things, intelligent, talented, and capable of so many things. One thing I know is that I have to stay out of my own way and not let others affect or hinder the process. Sometimes, we let the outside ruin the inside.

I’m old enough to know better,  but always don’t. Admittedly. I allow the outside forces to tempt me into the old mindset… you’re fat, too old, not smart enough.  Do I perpetuate or condone the behavior? I do. But I’ve always had a cheeky,  sarcastic, self-deprecating sense of humor. Deadens the sting. I know it is a self-worth defense mechanism,  but what is it defending? What is it protecting you from?

It’s time to grow up a little bit… I have my moments,  but I’m not getting any younger. Sure, I often act my shoe size and not my age, but that doesn’t mean that I, an adult,  need to act non sensical and immature all the time. I am a grown ass man with a grown ass brain. I can continue to learn and study. Also, time to remember,  what I project is what I’ll get back. Got to take a hard look.

So, I guess the moral of this weeks rambling is: I’m realizing my worth, that I am worthy, no matter what anyone says. Sure, the outward appearance may say otherwise, but it doesn’t define me and can be reshaped. AND even though i have “issues ” related to grooming, abuse, etc,, Im working through them and will be better and stronger than ever before because of it.

“Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.” – Marianne Williamson