I am a highly flawed individual…partly self-inflicted,  partially victim of my circumstances.  But I don’t like to use excuses. Or at least I try not to. I’ll take some of the blame,  I’ll own it. But I also allow it. I’m an enabler. Sure, I’ve been through some stuff, but I let it hold me back. Hold me down.

Trust issues, social anxieties, low self-esteem, and worth became part of me. Not who I am, but what I became. I put up walls, I armored myself against the potential of being judged, hurt, laughed at, embarrassed. So many good people,  family, locked out because I put myself into this prison.

Not to be dramatic,  but sometimes I feel like a wounded animal, cowering in the corner, waiting for the final blow. I occasionally take a breath and find the courage to stand up and move, to survive, waiting for safety. But courage, survival…should come from within. The walls need to come down.

So, I don’t mean to be anti-social, stand offish, it’s a defense mechanism. I attempt to hide in plain sight. I’m sorry for not being a better son, a better brother, or a better friend. But, I’m a work in progress and strive to be all of those,  and then some. Time to leave the door unlocked and open.

J.R.