• I’m going through changes…

    I’m pretty sure if you’ve been following this blog, I may have mentioned changing,  change,  or going through changes…but life is like a river, continuously flowing,  moving, changing the surface of the rocks and earth beneath and around them. Water flows, and finds a way. Stagnant water really does nothing.

    So, here we go again. Change is inevitable. Change is needed. For myself,  changing my mindset and the way I think has been a big help, a necessary step in the right direction. Life can be challenging sometimes,  but outlook and practice are key. Form the world around you. Don’t let the world form you.

    I want to change, I need to change. I want to build the world around me that I want, what I deserve. I want to break out of the confines that I’ve mainly put myself in and evolve for the better. Change is a part of life. We need it and should want it. Change is good. Can it be painful? Sure, but in the long run, you’ll be better for it. You will. WE will.

    So I will continue on. Adapt, evolve, and change. Have to. I want to. You should, too. Be the flowing river, not the stagnant pond. Got to make and continue the flow. Out with the bad, in with the good. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Good? I do, and I’m certain you do, too. Be like water, my friends….

    “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend. ― Bruce Lee

  • I’m judge, jury, and executioner too.

    I’m my own worst critic… my own worst bully… my own worst judge. And I’m quick to condemn and lock myself up and throw away the key. Sound familiar? I was pretty bad when it came to those things, but I’m getting WAY better. Have been for a while now. But we always judge ourselves the most and just tie ourselves up, stopping dead in our tracks.

    The irony is that we have the keys. The keys that unlock those shackles we put on ourselves. That’s right… WE put those shackles on. Sure, there can be outside issues, but we often internalize them. Then they become judgements, you condemn yourself, and then execute our wants, dreams, desires, and the potential to have a great life.

    Most of us live like slaves and prisoners. You think you’re living freely, but you’re not. Happiness and well-being take a back seat because we listen to whatever BS outsiders tell us. We take that seed and water it nurture it, let it grow. But instead of a beautiful flower, we get a thorn filled vine that suffocates and possibly kills whatever around it.

    So take a look. Are you a prisoner? Do you judge yourself harshly all the time? Are you stuck? Dreams gone, the life you want gone? Doesn’t have to be that way. Clean up that conscious, that mindset,  that mode of thinking. You have the keys. You deserve to be free.

  • Carry on my wayward son…

    So I made it… half a century. In the past, I wouldn’t really care. Still don’t, but it’s not like that. I do appreciate I’ve made it this far, and you know what? All the bad things and BS in my life, I survived.  Here, still alive and kicking. It’s all about mindset and priorities. I think as of late, I’ve made progress,  although still on the same journey.

    So, how’s the second half gonna go? I’m optimistic that it will go tons better than the past 50, although it wasn’t always bad. Usually, never is. Throughout our lives, we believe, listen, and put too much faith in the outside, and don’t worry about th inside. We should be aging like fine wine, not aging like rotting fruit.

    So, could it be my age? The fact that I’m getting older, perspective changes, along with a lot of other things. Can’t say for certain, but lately, that’s how’s it’s been. My attitude is changing, and my outlook and mindset are changing. Needs to. We should progress and mature, not stay stuck and thrash around like an upset infant when things don’t go your way. Time to grow up.

    “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” – Albert Einstein

  • Cause everyone is trying to rain on my parade.

    It’s so easy to let others bring us down one way or the other, but what about us? Sure, blame could be put on others for our shortcomings to an extent,  but do we ever have the guts to look at ourselves in the mirror and realize one of the biggest culprits can be the same person looking right back at us.

    I’ve always been the type of person who would “keep it real,” but how real? But when you listen to the lies the outside world tells you, and then you yourself believe and tell yourself more lies,  who’s really raining on your parade?

    It’s long overdue, but no more lies. No more letting others dictate MY life. No more believing the made-up BS that we all tell ourselves and use as an excuse to stay stuck. Sometimes, it almost seems like we WANT to stay in that mindset. Makes no sense if you really think about it.

    Time to shut them all up. It’s time to quiet that annoying voice in the back of my head that has been killing my progression for years. It’s poison. It really is. We drink up that poison given to us, and then act surprised when it starts to infect us and things around us….make it make sense.

  • We’re Live

  • Progress… the God’s magnificent.

    “March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life’s path.”

    Progress, not perfection.  That’s a motto I have been trying to follow more and more every day. I feel there has been progression in my life,  even though in the past, it’s been a lot of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. But I  don’t know. it feels different this time. Feeling this is it….finally things are coming together.

    I was a self sabotager. I believed the lies others, and I told myself. I was a quitter. When the tough got tough, instead of plowing through, I made excuses. I quit. I was a perfectionist. Nothing was ever good enough, so I gave up. Wouldn’t even try. Notice I said WAS. Got to the point where enough was enough and asked myself, “What the hell am I doing?”

    I am worthy of good things and a good life. And so is everyone else. Sure, we all go through things and have experiences that beat us down, but we can’t stay down. We are all gods and not servants, slaves to the negative. Slaves to the shackles we let others put on us or on ourselves. No more letting the sleeping giant lay… time to wake up.

    So, no more letting others dictate or write my story. No more being a slave to the BS the outside world throws my way. I’m getting too old for that. Life is for living. Will it be perfect? No. But I’m not looking for perfection anymore. Progress, that’s forward thinking.

  • Raise your voice, sticks, and stones.

    So here we are…knocking on the big 5 0. I made it this far. And I am grateful for it. I believe that I’m very fortunate to be where I am right now, given another day to get to where I want to go… where I want to be. Getting there. Putting my foot down and doing the work. No more. Need to keep PROgressing, not constantly REgressing.

    Eroding are the days of staying in the same mundane self sabotaging life. I am good, deserve good things, intelligent, talented, and capable of so many things. One thing I know is that I have to stay out of my own way and not let others affect or hinder the process. Sometimes, we let the outside ruin the inside.

    I’m old enough to know better,  but always don’t. Admittedly. I allow the outside forces to tempt me into the old mindset… you’re fat, too old, not smart enough.  Do I perpetuate or condone the behavior? I do. But I’ve always had a cheeky,  sarcastic, self-deprecating sense of humor. Deadens the sting. I know it is a self-worth defense mechanism,  but what is it defending? What is it protecting you from?

    It’s time to grow up a little bit… I have my moments,  but I’m not getting any younger. Sure, I often act my shoe size and not my age, but that doesn’t mean that I, an adult,  need to act non sensical and immature all the time. I am a grown ass man with a grown ass brain. I can continue to learn and study. Also, time to remember,  what I project is what I’ll get back. Got to take a hard look.

    So, I guess the moral of this weeks rambling is: I’m realizing my worth, that I am worthy, no matter what anyone says. Sure, the outward appearance may say otherwise, but it doesn’t define me and can be reshaped. AND even though i have “issues ” related to grooming, abuse, etc,, Im working through them and will be better and stronger than ever before because of it.

    “Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.” – Marianne Williamson

  • Be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

    Recently, my wife and I were discussing our day, and I shared an observation that I have made in the past, which has come up again. Why is it that some people don’t know how to accept kindness and consideration? It’s like they don’t know what to do with it. Even something as simple as a good morning or even a smile….nothing. Not a people person? Got it.

    Me personally,  that’s how I’m wired, how I’m built. Always try to be kind, considerate,  and respectful. Have I been burned because of it? Absolutely.  Numerous times.  I guess I could blame some of my issues on that, but I won’t.  But I am who I am, and sure, you adapt to your surroundings,  “read the room,” but to compromise,  or change who you are, your true self? No, I don’t think so. Don’t think you should or have to.

    They say like attracts like, which is true, even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, a least to me. I say this because along with the good people I have attracted,  there have been some not so much. But, is this because that’s what I’m projecting? Is it a warning sign or an indicator that there’s something up with myself? Can be. But everyone has a story… you don’t know what it’s like in their shoes and vice versa.

    Regardless, everyone,  especially in this day and age, has been bombarded with the negative, believing the lies they tell themselves daily, instead of trying to become the change. If more people showed kindness, they showed consideration, treated others the way they wanted to be treated,  the world would be a better place.

    So, for me, I’m still going to continue to be me. At the same time, constantly become a better and better version of me. The more I do so, the more the useless fall away, and the useful and fulfilling will come. Have to be the change you want. Have to be the light in the mirror that reflects back at you. I’m getting there,  getting better day by day. We’re all in this together.

    “There are two ways of spreading the light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it”.

  • Things aren’t the way they were before.

    I’m an overweight,  middle-aged dude who has OCD, mixed depression anxiety disorder, social issues, and was a victim of grooming and abuse….think that covers most of it. Not to mention the offshoots or branches that come off such things. How did we get here? How has it driven my life? Is it like this forever?

    Have to be honest with myself, and be willing to look back and not dwell in the journey up to this point. Just because things went the way they did, things can change. New paths can be laid down. New things and ways to do things can be learned. This old dog can learn new tricks. Change can and will happen.

    One thing I realize is that I’m not perfect and need to stop trying to be. Also, I have to control only what I can control. Let people do what they’re gonna do, say what they’re gonna say. I know the truth. My truth. And the truth is, things aren’t the way they used to be. Life and time move on, and it’s up to me to progress,  live life, and not stay in the old mindset or circumstances. I must change, and then things around me will change as well.

    One day at a time, daily reminders of how good things are, even though the past and the present are not perfect. Let’s be honest, it never will be, I’ll never be. But I can get close. My world and everything around me will be. That’s the goal. That’s the honest truth.

  • Off of this chest and I rest again peacefully.

    “You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it“

    Don’t know about others,  but sometimes I think about who I really am. How authentic I’m being to myself and others. What level of dishonesty am I carrying or projecting to protect myself from myself and the outside world. I’ve admittedly worn masks to hide behind. Deep down, who am I?

    My story is an interesting one, but the stories shouldn’t necessarily dictate or be the narrator of my existence. I’m old enough to know better. Or do I? Funny, pushing the big 5 0 and still trying to figure it out. But I need to be honest and keep the mask off. I want the consistency of being myself,  my TRUE self.

    Done believing the lies that people have told me. I’m done believing the lies I’ve told myself. I’m not the fat, lazy failure. My dreams are not only dreams… they are obtainable. I am smart… and so on and so on. The ones who know me closest know the true me, mask, or not. Time to stay consistently true, leaving the masks off.

    I will continue to work on myself, continue to believe that I don’t need to listen to the lies, and hide behind masks. I’m not perfect,  but who is… You see the outside, but not the inside.  I’m attempting to get to the point where I’m not trying,  but doing. Putting out to the world and unfiltered,  unmasked,  TRUE me.