• Knew not who I was, but listen here.

    We all do. We all have the freedom to choose.  Even if life is not ideal, or the stack is against you, there’s choices and decisions that can be made. I know in my life, especially the last year, it has been challenging. But I had a choice. Do I wallow and perpetuate the negative, just making bad things worse, or do I roll with the punches and move forward? I had a choice.

    It comes down to what path you want to take and what outcome you want, and I think it’s also important to realize that sometimes it’s not easy. Usually, it isn’t. But doesn’t that make you stronger? By default, we want to take the easy way out and stay in our comfort zone, but where does that get you? Got to be completely honest. Look in the mirror.

    Sure, things get hard. Sure, I’d rather not have to deal with some of the things that life throws and has been throwing at me, but I choose to move forward. I choose to get where I want to go and where I need to be. There are some good days, and yes, some bad days, but decide…choose. No flip flopping, or any this or that.

  • Cause you’re a liar.

    Resolutions…nope. I was never one to make them… Shoot, knowing me, they wouldn’t last anyway. Most people are guilty of this. Why bother? We just need to be completely honest with ourselves and stop using things and making up excuses.  I get it, sometimes things aren’t so cut and dry, but there’s usually a way…usually a solution.

    First, realization and honesty. Two things hard to face sometimes. So we lie to ourselves and wear different masks, buying into the lies and changing as a chameleon does. Yup, guilty. Excuses is what it really is. Scapegoats, believing the less for safety. Comfort is king. Meanwhile, we remain the servant.

    So, just using 2025 as a reset, no resolutions. I know what needs to be done. No more lying,  making excuses, or wearing masks. I’m getting too old for that. No better time than the present to take action and do something about it. I personally don’t like getting lied to, so why lie to myself?

    So funny when you think about it. Usually, so quick to criticize and tear down oneself,  but not so much when going the other way, bettering the situation. Falling for it over and over and over. Time to stop being a sucker…

  • Ascend, may you find no resistance…

    Yup, still the holidays. I hope everyone got what they wanted. Me, I’d say that I did. I got more time… more time with my family,  loved ones, and those I care about. Clarity, epiphanies, and avenues for the ongoing journey. Sure, material things are nice, but as I have stated before, none of that stuff is important. It hasn’t been for a while. Views and priorities change.

    Now, with the end of the year upon us and a new year at the gates, reflection is key. Planning and setting goals are also key. Need to be honest with ourselves and prioritize….the rest will fall into place. Once the train starts moving forward,  it becomes harder and harder to stop. Maybe some of this christmas coal will be good for something.

    It’s time to take a good look, set the goals, and get ready. Time to move on the abuse, trauma,  and other things holding me, us, back. Got to shed the old so the new can grow. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Deep breath, no more being held back. So here’s to you and yours, may your new year be full of REAL gifts, blessings, and progress.  Ascend, and may we find no resistance.

  • Bad Banana.

    The holidays are upon us….but you know what? I’m not really feeling it. I find also, the older I get, the less, to be honest,  care. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bah-humbug. You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch thing, but the holidays got so…meaningless.  So blah. So… whatever.

    All my issues aside, the weight, mental health issues,  abuse ptsd, etc.,  I know others share the sentiment. I think it’s lost the plot a long while ago, especially in recent times. To me, especially now, I enjoy the giving, spreading joy and happiness, and spending time with loved ones. That’s what it’s really about.

    I’ve always been this way. I’m wired that way. Always giving, worried about others before myself, always wanting to help. In the past, I will admit, I’ve been used and burned so many times I became jaded and angry. Emotions thrown into a mind already going through what I was going through.  I fought it and fought it. And continue to fight to this day. But I’m in control here. So are you.

    With the end of the year upon us, and after the year I’ve had, been putting a lot into perspective, more than ever before. 2025 is the year. Change is coming. Change is long overdue. Resolutions don’t work…setting goals and forming new habits, becoming more disciplined, and realizing your worth does. Nothing to it but to do it

    Enough of my random rambling… So, to all of you out there who take the time to read my ramblings, and to my family who puts up with me, I hope you all, and those you care about, have a great holiday. Love you all. And remember

    “Don’t let the past steal the present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.”

  • Yes, I’m older. Yes, I’m moving on…

    Here we are…light at the end of this year’s tunnel. I realize the older I get, more and more things change. Your body, your looks, your mindset, your attitudes. Change is inevitable regardless,  but as you get older, it hits different…at least I think so.

    Things become somewhat clearer, priorities change. Some changes are natural,  and some changes need to be made. Got to look at change as a good thing. It’s a constant,  big or small, natural, or not. The world stops for no one. Got to adapt, stay ahead of the game.

    I see what needs changing.  I’ve looked at myself and the situations around me. I see where there needs to be change with self and what is around me. One thing I realize is I can’t help others without first helping myself. I am one of you, and am going through a lot of the same things.

    Every problem has a solution….have to identify the problem first. For me, my health and my mental health are first on the list. Being a victim of grooming and abuse has taken its toll, but time to seek the answers and help I need to get it back. Finances would be next. This year was a rough one, and I’m sure others feel the same. Need to be more responsible and get that back on track… priorities.

    Goals. Make a list. Check it twice. Think about what needs changing and how you’d change it.  Somedays will be better than others. You’ll win some, and you’ll lose some. Just like the world and life doesn’t stop, we shouldn’t stop either. I know I struggle,  but I’m still here. No better time than now. Besides, not getting any younger.

    So let’s take control of the goals….find the issues and come up with a plan of attack.  Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m grateful that I have another day to work on myself and make my life, and maybe the lives of the people around me better. Older, but not out. Gotta get moving.

  • The Bright Side of Life – Melissa Bright

    Helping you discover your TRUE worth.

    Today, I’d like to give a special shout out to a person I have met on my journey. Her name is Melissa Bright, and she is a self-worth coach. In the short time I’ve talked to her and interacted, she’s been a big help.

    I highly recommend you check her out on TikTok, Instagram, and check out her awesome podcast. You can also purchase The Self-Worth Guidebook here, as well as book her for sessions.

    So if you’re in the same situation as I am, or similar,  you truly are not alone. Help is out there. So please give her a visit, spread the word, and continue the journey. No more mucking around in the darkness,  time to get on the bright side.

    Check out the Podcast:

  • The Great pretender….

    It’s tiring….really is. And I hate to sound like I’m complaining or looking for sympathy…I’m not, but somethings gotta give. I know what I have to do…all of it’s long overdue. I act like I’m okay,  but I’m not. Not saying there is no good in there, but over the years I have gotten very good at hiding, pretending, and ignoring.  Like I  said, somethings gotta give.

    I’m tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I have to put on a front. At least I  think so. And what makes it worse is that at my older age, I am still trying to figure it out. I don’t know who I am. I’m still stuck in the 15 year old that was groomed, manipulated, abused. Then going through death, and the “awakening”. Now here I am, 49 and still lost and trying to find my way.

    It’s not all bad, I realize this. It never is. There is always someone worse off. And besides,  if you know the problem, you try and find the solution. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Sure, it’s hard sometimes,  but just got to do it. How does anything change otherwise? Also have to be true and honest to yourself. Need to get better at that.

    I want it to be known that I’m not complaining,  feeling sorry for myself,  or looking for sympathy. I’m grown.I know what needs to be done. I’m sure there are more out there like me. But I was listening to my music, and these lyrics kinda jumped out at me:

    “Done pleading ignorance, that whole defense
    Spinning infinity, but…The wheel is spinning me, it’s never-ending, never-ending…Same old story”

    Have to stop spinning. No more going around in circles.

  • Good times gone, and you missed them…

    Tis the season…for me, this year, to be frank, sucked. Can’t wait for it to be over. It’s so bitter sweet, but here I am. As I get older,  It seems like I realize things even clearer now than ever before….but the spirits willing, but the flesh weak. Got the blueprint and the tools, but the skill, the motivation?

    With all the BS, it’s not all bad… I recognize it. I have plenty to be thankful for. There is so much to be grateful for. My new wife, new job, my family, bills are paid, food in the fridge…can go on and on. I’m sure anyone can just stop for a second and realize the good, even though there is not so good surrounding you.

    We really do a disservice to ourselves when we don’t take time to be grateful or thankful. You miss out. You really do. I get it. Practice  and riding that wave? Admittedly, I myself suck at it , but I’m trying. I’m trying to be more consistent. Like I said, spirits willing… but two steps forward,  three steps back. It’s gotta stop…someway, somehow. It’s gotta change. Work in progress.

    Anyway, enough of the random thoughts. I want to wish my family and friends a happy Thanksgiving. I appreciate all of you. And I hope you and yours have a happy Thanksgiving as well. You all deserve the best, and to be truly happy. And remember:

    “We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count.”

  • The empty can rattles the most…

    “The empty can rattles the most”…or for you Shakespeare or Plato fans…”The empty vessel makes the loudest sound…It’s amazing, observing and interacting with my fellow human beings how true the statement really is. Perhaps my blog and my writing are indicators. I’ve been hiding for so long, and now I want to be heard.

    I’ve felt emptiness, darkness, and solitude. To this day, have residual effects from it. But a work in progress. I have been reserved,  hidden,  not speaking much publicly about my demons, my abuse, and my mental health.  I still hold back, procrastinate,  let life get in the way, or just take over. Focus

    On the other hand, empty vessels use emptiness  as an echochamber for the ego, with a look at me, observe me attitude. Not my style. But others, instead of resounding and try to fill the emptiness with the positive bettering themselves and thise around them, become an energy vampire and still not being fulfilled. Sad. Not the existence I want.

    I know it’s kind of random, but watching the world and the individuals in it is entertaining at times. I would even say. a lot can be learned by just watching and observing. I want to know what makes people tick….why they do what they do. Why I do what I do. What can I learn? What can I change?

    There’s always room for improvement. Always situations to learn from. Got to fill the empty with meaning,  and not more emptiness and no sense, no purpose. Life’s too short, and as I get older, substance is what I seek and what is needed. Tomorrow’s not promised to anyone…why waste time?

    Focus, realization. Willingness to live and exude sense, purpose,  not only for yourself, but those around you. Society is rough and unstable now, but need to keep forward fixing what needs fixing and building what needs to be built. Time to go to work.

  • When I became a man, I put away childish things…

    I often find myself slipping into an awkward state of mind. The anxiety and depression disorder do have a part in it, and so does the other trauma I’ve suffered.  But I do take some of the blame. The only person in the mirror is you. Point the finger, I dare you. There’s multiple fingers pointing back at you.

    Having to be an adult so fast as a teenager has taken toll. Once ties were unbound, I was lost, stuck in purgatory , regressing back to that same teenager lost, scared,  alone. That’s the state of mind. So awkward and out of place.  On the outside,  a middle-aged man, on the inside, an uncertain young 15 year old.

    It affects me. I can feel it. Over the years, I have gotten good at hiding it. Like a clown on the outside, but quite the opposite on the inside. Why is this so hard sometimes? I’ve made it this far, but it feels as though the countdown clock has begun. My time is running out.

    It’s also aggravating because I know what to do….Sure, I am damaged and have issues,  but I know what steps to take to fix this. Let’s take the 5 stages of recovery: pre-contemplation,  contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. I have the keys, but i always find myself locked out, pacing and wandering on the outside.

    We all have problems,  and in my case, it feels more like controlled chaos. But I can’t give up… that’s not an option. Sure, at times, it’s debilitating,  but I’m grateful to have a loving family and support system. In the end, though, it’s ultimately up to the individual.  To me. Why is this so hard?

    Falling is easy, getting back up?