• You’re gonna fail. Yeah, you.

    You will. I guarantee it. I feel like I’m failing daily… but who’s fault is that? If that’s the attitude we tell ourselves in the mirror,  first thought in our heads in the morning,  sure, you WILL fail. Life’s hard, I know this first hand, but what side do we want to be on? The winning side, or the losing side? Sure, sometimes I feel like a loser, but I’m not. And neither are you.

    Not one of us is perfect.  Not one of our lives is either. Stuff happens. Our situations are all different,  yet the same. Look at them as lessons or steps. Learning to deal with our situations and deal with ourselves is a constant. Recognize,  learn, implement,  and grow. Failure is not an option. What other option is there? Think about it.

    Even with that said,  you still will fail. I will fail. But it’s not about how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up. Seems like the story of my life. Fall, get back up, one step forward, two steps back. Got that part down. But, a work in progress. Key words WORK and PROGRESS.

    But, what do I know? I’m an older, overweight, hispanic man with OCD, mixed depression and anxiety disorder, body dismorphia, and victim of grooming and abuse? Looking  in the mirror,  is this who I am? When you look in the mirror,  is that who you are?

  • Sins of the father.

    I remember when I was younger,  I  vowed to myself, NEVER to get married, or have children.  Well, just like that, I was married, adopting 3 children,  and then came a fourth. Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it? But this situation is anything but funny.

    Fifteen when it started, groomed, manipulated,  inheriting things I wasn’t capable of, forced to grow up so fast. Nineteen and adopting another person’s 3 children, having to get a “real job” and become a provider. Was overwhelmed a lot of the time, but I made it work. Had to. It’s the life I  chose….or was it?

    And here we are now.  A true adult, but only on the outside. The inside is a whole different thing. On the inside is still an insecure, immature lost boy, the boy that I often remember. So many plans, so many dreams. Why did this happen to me? Just want to be a better “father,” son, and friendly. I’m sorry, but I really tried.

    What am I getting at? I was ill-prepared. Had to learn as I grew, so I’d consider myself a less than ideal father. Do I care for them? Love them? Absolutely. But given the circumstances, they needed a REAL father, a real father figure. I guess I did the best I could and worked with what I had. Can’t go back, so we move on.

    I’m damaged, but I’m working on it. First, you have to recognize the issue, then come up with a plan. I was young and ignorant. Most would say a victim… which, by the way, I’m not the only victim here. But I recognize that I just need to do better. Be better. What happened happened. Taking it one day at a time.

  • Doesn’t play well with others…

    It’s true. I think that would be pretty accurate, at least for myself.  I’ve always felt like I never fit in. A square peg trying to fit in a round hole. Even today, as an adult, I find myself still feeling that way. It certainly got worse as I got older. Doesn’t make it any less awkward or uncomfortable.

    I don’t think much of myself, and 9 times out of 10, put others before myself. That’s how I’m wired, though….to be kind, considerate, and friendly. I accept  that the world isn’t like that, but how’s it go? Be the change. Total work in progress.  It’s just a matter of practice. Falling is easy. Getting up is the problem. Point is to get up.

    I also feel that I don’t relate,  especially to most males. I know it may sound strange, but I still feel like a boy among men. I’m totally  not your typical “dude”.  I really didn’t have a childhood since I had to grow up so fast, being robbed. I still feel like a teenager going through growing pains.

    Sure, lots of damage has been done. Being forced to be an adult when you are still in the developmental stages of your life has taken its toll. But, we all become adults and have to deal as such. Looking for the appropriate help is paramount, familiar help is nice,  but professional help is better.

    Sometimes, we need to fill those gaps, those missing parts of our lives. Deal with the regret….not by wallowing,  but coming up with understanding, solutions, and practice. Life is too short… especially when some is taken away. It’s time for us to fill those gaps and live like we’re supposed to. How we were intended to.

  • The monster and the cocoon.

    “The Strange Thing About The Johnsons” – Ari Aster

    A monster is a monster, no matter what. I honestly cringe at realizing or acknowledging  this, but it’s true. I need to constantly remind myself this. Sometimes monsters hide, even in plain sight. We also have preconceived notions of what one is, what it looks like, and our precepctions predetermined.

    Abuse comes in different shapes and  forms…mental, physical, and emotional.  Abusers do as well. Everyone thinks it is always a creepy guy who acts inappropriately. But it can be anyone. Anyone can be a monster.  Just because they don’t fit the mold or stereotype doesn’t exclude them.

    Double standards are also a thing. It’s said that about 90 percent of this inappropriate behavior is committed by males. But what about the females and other family members? A monster is a monster.

    In my case, no one really batted an eye or questioned the age gap. Were they scared? Were they just oblivious because it was a female? Regardless,  it happened.  And here I  am in a whirlwind of realization, healing,  and growth.

    People need to be held accountable…whoever it is. We, as victims, need to recognize that it doesn’t matter who it is. Someone who loves you isn’t going to hurt you. Let’s all heal and break out of our cocoon.

  • I gotta secret…

    I don’t get it sometimes…..I would consider myself a good person.  I live my life right. I’ve even had people tease me about it. You get back what you cast out, no? I’m just wired that way. To be considerate, understanding,  and kind. If more people practiced that, the world would be a WAY better place. That’s the world I want to live in.

    But that’s not how it is, is it? As a matter of fact, it seems the world is getting crazier by the minute. Just want a world with  no drama. Yeah, it’s not going to happen. But how’s the saying go? ” Be the change you wish to see in the world”. It’s true. Very true.

    But I’m broken. How will I be the change? I know I’ll never be perfect.  I know this. Took me a long time to realize and open my eyes to things. There was damage done. But, getting back up and moving on is the name of the game. No matter what, or who, gets thrown at me. But I seem to be a magnet. What’s my purpose?

    I wonder about that a lot. Maybe I went through what I went through for a reason. Maybe I’m wired the way I am because there’s something there. The abuse, mental issues, etc. have been clouding and fogging up the process. But I don’t just want to fix me, I want the same for others. That’s the world I want to live in.

    So, getting there, even though it’s long overdue. But there is no better place or time than now even though I’ve been quite literally used and abused. But I’m better than that. We all are, aren’t we? The path is there. Ijust got to sweep away the dirt.

  • It is not down on any map; true places never are.

    Photo: A24

    Life is hard sometimes….too bad there wasn’t an easy way to navigate through it. I always hear that it’s what you make of it, and it is what you make of it, which is true, but that only applies to the things you CAN control….whatever LIFE shows at you is another story.

    My life didn’t turn out as I planned. Dreams just mere mirages and fantasies. But I couldn’t predict where my life was going. I didn’t plan on running away at 15, being groomed, living a life that could be made into a made for tv movie…but it’s not where you been, it’s where you’re at, right?

    I’ve been contemplating a lot lately about where I  go from here. I feel like things have been laid out in front of me, but know me, don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I  have been handed a gift as strange as it sounds. But I feel like I’m holding back. The uncertainty,  the lack of faith, in myself and in others is a current roadblock.

    Maybe I’ll figure it out. But sometimes, I  feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like the universe is playing a trick on me,using me as an experiment. I get it, I  got it, let’s move on. But am I  ready? My life is a hot topic, a slippery slope if you will. Do you tread lightly,  or come out hot out the gate?

    Anyway, I don’t mean to be negative or dramatic. That’s not the intention. I kinda know where I’m at and what needs to be done. In fact, I  have begun (finally) doing the work, now that life is a little more stable. Seeking the proper help, and taking steps, no, leaps I need to make.

    So, if you are in the same boat, just keep on keeping on. Got to put in the work and have trust. Oh, and by the way, check out “The Whale”. It’s a great film, and I could relate to some of it. Moving forward….

    “I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing.”

  • Watching the world pass by.

    Photo: Vulture / A24

    Over the weekend,  my wife and I finally watched a film that was on our radar. The film was called “A Ghost Story “, and it was a very good, thought-provoking movie….for me at least. Basically, the plot is about a man who passes and comes back as a ghost….stuck in the last home he lived in observing life continue.

    The film can be a little sad, but it makes you think. Life is too short, and it stops for no one. Also can’t take things for granted or live with regret. Can’t just be like a ghost,  letting life pass us by. Can’t live in fear or uncertainty. Life is for living.

    Photo: The New Yorker / Brett Curry / A24

    I have a ton of regrets. Things that I have to live with. Alienating my family, Not being a good son… not being a good big brother…allowing the circumstances to take a toll on my physical and mental health? Do I blame the groomer and abuser, or can I cast some of the blame on the person I see in the mirror in the morning?

    I get so angry at myself because I know what to do and how to do it for the most part, but I stand here, letting life pass me by. I ve taken the steps I need to. I’ve BEGUN the process… but why 2 steps forward,  3 steps back?  I know I’m not the only one, but we have to put the work in. Don’t let life slip you by. Live it.

    So, check out “A Ghost Story ” currently streaming on Max, Hulu, and Prime. It’s worth a watch. And remember,  life’s short,  live it to the fullest. Do the best you can. Keyword DO . Don’t let life pass you by.

  • Collateral Damage.


    Joaquin Phoenix as Arthur Fleck, a.k.a. Joker. Photo: Warner Bros / Vulture

    “Everybody just yells and screams at each other. Nobody’s civil anymore. Nobody thinks what it’s like to be the other guy.”

    It’s true. I see the world as we know it like this most of the time. And its a shame. Got even worse after the pandemic.  People don’t think about consequences. For every action, there is a reaction. What goes around , comes around, blah, blah, blah.

    I often think about it, and think that I’m a square peg trying to fit in a round hole and don’t have it in me to change, make changes, or bring change, but maybe I do…what goes around comes around, right? Every action has got to have a reaction.

    In my personal life, all this stuff was going on with me and to me, but what about those around me? Did anyone think about them? My family, her children, and all of us were affected. Not only have I realized and opened my eyes to the truth, and have to deal, so does everyone else. But the support is there. But you also have to put in the work.

    My whole not fitting in is a long story. It’s a journey. But being kind to yourself and others is the right way. No one thinks of the other guy or what it’s like to be in their shoes. I believe the world would be a better place if we are more considerate, kind… but I know that’s not how it works.

    Anyway, that’s my random rambling for now. It’s time to walk a mile in someone’s shoes…

  • But my wings have so been denied.

    It’s funny how life just passes us by.  It doesn’t stop for anyone. Up to us to fill in the spaces and make this thing called life what we make it. But, still have to deal with things at hand, and also make the best decisions we can for ourselves and thise around us.

    I know my life has been very unconventional,  mainly because of…decisions. Decisions that were not the best. Decisions that were flat out wrong. I became the prey and the victim. Did I have chances? Opportunities to change the course? Perhaps. But some situations are hard to get out of. Or are they?

    Some things in life are out of our control. I get that. Some things are in our control… I get that. But the navigation through it all is the tricky part. Especially when you don’t know which way is up most of the time. Procrastinating doesn’t help it either.

    So I guess the point is…it’s not where you’ve been, where you’re at, or where you’re going, it’s on how you get there. Got to come up with a plan, a route to where you need to be, or where you want to go or end up and stay the course. Of course,  that doesn’t always work out that way, but as long as you keep digging….

    No truer words or thoughts from someone who is the master of procrastinating. Forgive me for venting or thinking aloud. I am in the process of navigation… although it’s a never-ending thing. No better time than the present, though,  no better time than now.

  • All fun and games…

    I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I  don’t want this site to always be serious,  even though the subject matter is VERY serious. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but I  would consider myself a generally happy-go-lucky guy.  I love to joke around,  laugh, and make others laugh.

    Help and Hobbies. I like that. I, in the recent reawakening,  realize the issues, the issues of being groomed and abused, but I realize I need help….from myself (gotta put in the work) and others. Got to. But, I also can’t let it consume me like it did for all those years. Still got to live, deal with the everyday.

    Admittedly,  I haven’t taken much time for myself and for the things I like to do. Just have to make time. Same as making and taking time to better yourself. In the process. But don’t forget to take a break. Life’s hard. It sucks sometimes, but it’s how I deal and how I make it. Life is for living…

    So the bottom line is to make time, take time. Use it wisely. Take care of what needs to be taken care of, and take time to enjoy life and people,  places, and things. I deserve it, don’t I? You deserve it, don’t you? Time to worry less, be happy…