• I’m lookin’ for balance…

    As of late, I have been doing a lot of thinking and discussing my situation. In a past posting, I quickly spoke about a film my wife and I watched on Netflix called “May December“. I highly recommend the film, but be warned, it can trigger some, especially if you have suffered any type of abuse. I know it kind of affected me. In a good way though.

    It made me think, it made me remember some of the things that got locked away over the years. It made me think of not only myself but the collateral damage it caused. There were SO many parallels in my life that I noticed. Both in the film, and the case that the film was losely based on.

    So much time has passed, and things get locked away and forgotten,  perhaps because it’s part of a humans survival instincts. But light has to be shed on the darkness in order to COMPLETELY heal. The light comes in all sorts of forms.

    So, for me, just recently, something as out of the blue, such as watching a movie and discussing it, opened up some things. And, of course, one thing leads to another. The bottom line is, call it out. Talk to someone. In this day and age, there are many available resources to help cope with all this stuff.

    So, in the process of fixing myself, or oneself, shine that light. It’s not easy, and it may sting, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Got to put the work in though. Life’s too short, and personally, for me, I’m not getting younger. 

    Seek, and you shall find….

  • Did my time…

    When she died,  I felt free. I did. But at the same time lost. My life was unconventional and I didn’t know what end was up. I got over the grieving stages,  but the damage was done. As time went on, I  came to a few realizations and clarifications as well.

    Done was the manipulation and slavery. It was time for me. Finally,  be who I was, who I was supposed to be. A lot of time has passed, but as they say, you’re  never too old, and it’s never too late. I got a second chance, a second life….what do I do with it?

    Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.”

    I’m very fortunate to have a family who is so supportive even though things weren’t great in the past. I am so fortunate for my wife, my true soul mate. Yet, I do have tons of regrets and made many mistakes, but I did my time. Time to shine.

    I realize I have a second chance. I can start over. I survived life changing and altering abuse. Just need to keep working on it. Working on me. It gets better, but we do have to put in the work. But I also know that falling is easy, it the getting back up part…

    Need to talk about it, share, and also find avenues  to deal. I jokingly refer it to Help and Hobbies. Seek help from friends, family, and finding things to keep the mind and body busy, no matter what it is. Time to keep going.

  • Gotta be who I know I am inside.

    Credit: Netflix

    This may be a tough one….

    My wife and I watched a movie a few days ago that kind of hit me and stayed with me… even writing this. It was a film called May December, and I guess it’s loosely based on the Mary Kay Letourneau case.

    For those not familiar,  in a nutshell, she was a teacher who hooked up with one of her students back in the 90s. The relationship began when he was 13, and she was a married woman with her own children. They ended up having 3 children together.

    Credit: Rolling Stone

    It was a good film, but also VERY uncomfortable,  for me at least. I was a victim of similar abuse, and I found myself cringing,   totally relating to what was going on. The awkwardness, the uncertainty,  the degradation of one’s mind and mental state. Been there, done that. It still affects me to this day.

    PTSD… I think that’s what it falls under. Didn’t really see what was going on, but I went along for the ride. The road to my adulthood full of potholes, wrong turns, and u-turns. Constantly spinning wheels. Not until I was much older, I realized what was going on….what was happening. What was happening to me.

    I now see what’s going on. I have a better idea to fix what was broken. The alienation, awkwardness,  uncomfortable feelings related to the unspoken wonder and judging of my relationship…neither one of us having to really explain. But all that aside… I know what needs to be done. For myself and ANYONE going through anything like this:

    Precontemplation

    Contemplation

    Preparation

    Action

    Maintenance

    Communication and help from those who are willing is key. We are valuable and can’t let others rob us of our innocence, or mental state, our lives. Gotta be who we are inside…be happy, be free.

  • It goes on and on and on and on.

    Someone asked me recently what I did for fun….what my hobbies were. Honestly, I cringe sometimes when I get asked that because I  really don’t know how to answer that. I’m into and have been into so much stuff, and also half-assed hobbies, I don’t know what to say.

    In my almost half a century on this earth, I’ve been or tried so many things…most if not all works in progress or deemed failures. Some you just kind of grow out of naturally. For example,  skateboarding…been there done that, something I still watch and enjoy, but actually skating? Yeah, right…

    Maybe the abuse I endured has something to do with it. Maybe my mental issues have something to do with it. It could just be me looking for an outlet, ANY outlet. But, the fact that I don’t stick to anything does bother me. Not to sound like I  think I’m great, because I don’t think so, but I’ve old been told that I’m so smart, clever, and talented. Good at whatever I put my mind to….pfffffft.

    So what do I do? What do I say? Currently I guess writing is my main “hobby”. I have so much stuff bouncing around in this head of mine. I still want to do my percussion/drumming. Maybe just pick something,  ANYTHING,  and just stick with it. I just feel overwhelmed by life, by everything sometimes. Spinning in circles.

    Anyway, I’m just rambling….I should go find something to do to keep me busy….like a hobby or something…

  • Built like an OG.

    It’s been a while….I know. Ever since late last year, life has sucked, sort of. I did get married, but soon after, one thing after another happened and just haven’t been really motivated. You can say that’s backward thinking… you would think that be the time you want to plow through… but here I am.

    First, a fire at my house, then I GOT fired from my job, then family members getting sick left and right. Things just were not ideal at all. I still try to count my blessings and am very fortunate to have a loving, supporting family. Love them all.

    I think my outlook, etc, on things has been changing the past six months or so. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe I’m just coming to terms with stuff in life. Maybe I’m FINALLY maturing  (probably not). But just trying to deal with stuff as it comes, letting the chips fall where they may.

    I know, practice what I preach….and I know that we can only control what we can control, but I’m a stubborn old man. A stubborn human with old school feelings and outlooks. Perhaps I should listen to myself and others.

    Old school dude with a new school attitude.

  • Sweat the small stuff.

    So which one is it? Sweat the small stuff, or focus on them? I guess perspective comes into play. With the chaos that the world is today, a lot of things pop up into our lives, and it’s easy to forget the small “wins” or “victories” we deal with on the daily. But what do I know?

    It’s a balancing act. You have to pay attention to the small annoyances that pop up from time to time. It’s life, it happens…..But we also have to take time and reflect on the small things that enhance or make our lives better. Some of us, and I’m guilty of this, just pick one side and become stuck. either stuck in the mud, not getting anywhere, repeating the same cycle, or focusing on the little things and having you head in the clouds not taking care of what you need to. Balance…..

    Nothing is trivial…

    So sweat the small stuff….all of it. Good or bad. need to work on what we have control over, let go of what we don’t. Find the solace and happy places that gets us through and deal. Tip the scales in your favor and well being….screw the rest. Blessing to be counted, but nothing is trivial…

  • I don’t care anymore.

    I find the older I get, the less things affect me….Sort of. Things are getting old, repetitive, and in this world, things don’t really matter anymore. Sounds negative, but it’s not. I think a lot see where I am coming from, and even agree with this. Life’s too short, sweating the small stuff is a waste, and closely approaching the second half of my existence, I really don’t care anymore. But it is a tricky situation all things considered, at least for me.

    Even though I’ve been through a lot in my life, suffering abuses and mental health issues, I had to grow up…be an adult, even though I would always state that I was a 15 year old stuck in this adults body. When I “started over”, I felt free, and felt as though I was given a second chance. But where to start? Start like an ignorant 15 year old, or as an adult that found their mental health taking a hit?

    Just got to take one day at a time….but patience was NEVER one of my strong suits…not at all. Sure, some days are better than others, but quitting isn’t an option. Just got to ignore the BS, or deal and move forward. That’s the key, no? Life’s not perfect, nor am I. But time to not sweat the small stuff and focus. Control what I can control, to hell with the rest. Easier said than done.

    So life can keep doing what it’s doing. Trying to control what I can. No blame game, no paying attention to the nonsense, inhuman or human. So it’s also time to stop caring…about the useless things. Growth is the word that comes to mind. Growth. Life’s too short to care what people do, or think. You do you.

  • Day by day, by day, by day…

    I know it’s been a minute, but life happens. Not to mention, people don’t take the time to “stop and smell the roses. I di intend on posting and writing, but I would be dishonest if I said I didn’t like taking a small break. I think that’s something everyone should do once and a while….take a break. Life is hectic and unfair as it is, but part of self love and self care is to take time and be selfish. Take time for yourself.

    This year has been an interesting one for me personally. Not ideal…at all. But taking it one day at a time is the goal. I have been given opportunity to reflect, recharge, rethink my life. All about perception too, isn’t it? At first, yes, I like others only looked at the bad, negative of my situation, but slowly looked and realized the silver linings that were within. Part of that is disconnecting. Unplug to recharge as the saying goes.

    So, in the midst of recharging and finding out where to go from here, looking back at things that kept me busy or brought me pleasant distractions. That’s one of the things that can help with depression, stress, and other mental states. Try not to fill the empty spaces with the negative, but positives. Unplug to recharge. Take it Day by day, by day, by day…..

  • Hold the door….

    It’s been a minute, sure. Got a lot on my plate at the moment. Nervous and uncertainly gives me more time to reflect. I feel like I’m at a bit of a crossroads and wondering where to go from here. Perhaps I should just focus on self and do what I should or should have been doing all along…but they say it’s never too late, right?

    The world is a lot chaotic right now, EVERYONE is suffering with some sort of uncertainty or potential hardship. It’s true. I know I am at the moment. But what do we do? Give in? I really don’t want to even entertain that as an option, and neither should no one else. just want life to be back to normal, or at least close to normal. Just got to make the best of what you got, because believe me, sitting around depressed and feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to get me anywhere.

    I know as a person that has been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression disorder, it’s not easy to look at the glass as half full, but sometimes we have to bite the bullet, realize that sometimes even though we don’t see it, the door that closes opens up another one. Been trying to change the outlook and notice the little things….everyone should try it. Can you fail? Sure, but don’t know unless you try. For me, maybe starting at square one is the way to go….time to do some learning. Back to school.

    “When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.“

    For me, perhaps going back to school and getting into a profession is the way to go. I’m an old dog and need to learn new tricks. In the process if I get some insight and help, great. The end game is to be able to help others. We are all humans dealing with this thing called life, and instead of working against ourselves and each other, time to band together…..no more holding the door.

  • If it ain’t broke….

    Photo: LARRY HORRICKS/LIONSGATE

    The Crow. One of my favorite movies ever. It was just so cool…so badass. In my eyes, sure, a little dated now, but still holds up. And the soundtrack? Great. I’d say most would agree, one of the best movie soundtracks ever. Will the new Crow remake, reboot, reimagining, whatever, have the same magic? Who knows…but I’m willing to give it a shot. Don’t understand all the negative around it, especially when no one has seen it yet. Sure, I was skeptical at first, but I got over it. Actually can’t wait…I think the trailer looks pretty good.

    Speaking of….thought it would be fun to come up with a soundtrack for the new movie. Not a comprehensive list by any means, but these are songs I think may fit well with the movie. I think the soundtrack needs to be pretty strong although I know people don’t even have much faith in the movie. Anyway, not a perfect list by any means, but off the top, here is your 2024 Crow soundtrack:

    GHOSTEMANE – Anti-social Masochistic Rage (ASMR)

    Mantra – Dave Grohl, Josh Homme, Trent Reznor

    Deftones – Genesis

    Lola Young – Together In Electric Dreams

    Sleep Token – The Summoning

    Post Malone – Take What You Want ft. Ozzy Osbourne, Travis Scott

    BAD OMENS – Like A Villain

    Depeche Mode – Soul With Me

    Straight Outta Hell · Carpenter Brut

    Static-X – Dead Souls

    MATTE BLVCK – PROXY

    Apashe & Vladimir Cauchemar – RIP

    So there you have it. Now, this is just my thoughts and isn’t an official list. So many songs can make the cut. I know I didn’t break down each song, but as a whole tried to go for a certain feel. Would be great to hear others opinions on the new film and especially the music. Feel free to share and comment. What would your soundtrack be?